For a while now I’ve been thinking about getting some more ink done and then by chance today, a girlfriend of mine gave me a brilliant idea over on Twitter. She suggested I could go to “NY Ink“. By luck Ami James for those that don’t know him, was a tattoo artist on the reality show “Miami Ink” and he’s now working in New York City.

So there is it, that’s the brilliant idea and I ♥ ♥ ♥ it. Now I’m trying to get us both appointments for our next tattoos by one of the worlds most amazing tattoo artists whilst we’re on holiday over there next year.

Me personally, I have two already in mind. “Mum & Dad” & “Live Laugh Love”. I’m not 100% sure yet where exactly on my body I want them but I trust that it’ll come to me in time. Where as my hubby is getting a tattoo in honour of our love. He’s getting “Our Everlasting Love” in Runes.

It’ll be great to share the experience together as husband and wife. We have a lot of linked spiritual beliefs and this experience will be very symbolic for a number of different reasons to the both of us.

Fingers crossed it happens.

Life in the slow lane is definitely agreeing with me although I’m not quite there yet, still a little more fine tuning to do. By cutting back on all commitments was the first step in the right direction, it helped to relieve some pressure and stress that I was experiencing, all self-inflicted of course. Secondly was ensuring I took time out for myself so that I didn’t burn out or run myself into the ground as I sometimes do. So what I did was mark every second weekend on my calendar as my rest and relaxation weekend. What this means is that I’m not allowed to book any appointments or make any commitments those weekends so that I have absolutely nothing to do other than get rest and relaxation. That way, no matter how busy I am on the alternate weekends I’m always ensured my rest and relaxation weekends. Two weeks will be the absolute longest time I’ll ever be super busy without some much needed down time. Perfect plan if you ask me and so far so good, it works!

Another change I’ve implemented is creating the mother of all things to do list. I’ve put everything on it and I mean absolutely everything, I have all the things I need to do as well as all the things I want to do. I’ll finish that up this weekend and then print it out and put it up in my office on the inspiration board. I’ve accepted that they’ll be many things on this list and that it’s okay to just chip away at it over time. No longer will I place any unnecessary self imposed pressure on myself to do everything yesterday, that’s way to unrealistic not to mention unhealthy. Then as I do get through my list marking items off one at a time I’ll have a great feeling of accomplishment so it’s a win win situation in my opinion.

What else has been happening now let me think, hmmm. Oh that’s right, I’ve decided that with everything that has gone on with my health this year and all the stopping and starting with my nutrition and training that there simply hasn’t been enough consistency. So next year I’m going to just focus on maintaining a steady nutrition and training plan so I can make solid gains in preparation to compete in 2011. I’m in no hurry to compete again until I’m happy and healthy as this is what’s important to me now. I have until the end of this year to achieve my goal and then next year maintain it. That’s the real challenge for me, the maintenance side of things.

Fathers Day is coming up fast and I plan on driving home to pay my respect to Dad. This will be the last first and I’m thankful for that, well thankful to have all of his firsts behind me. Unfortunately we’re still waiting for a death certificate. Work Cover finally handed over their brief to the coroner who wasn’t satisfied with what she read so she handed it over to the magistrate. There’s a likely possibility that this could go to court so if that happens it could be years before we have closure to this matter which doesn’t help with the letting go process when it’s still going on in the background and out of our control. I try not to let it bother me to much but it’s difficult, you know.

Mum’s estate is settled so thankfully that’s bought some piece of mind for me. I eventually made the trip into Peter Mac to donate personal effects for the gift shop, hospital library, volunteer department as well as the donation envelopes. Going there wasn’t as bad as I thought but letting go of all these items was difficult, it bought tears to my eyes. It was me letting go of another piece of Mum. That’s what hurts most. So now all that’s left to do is distribute some personal effects to the immediate family and get through her death anniversary which is coming up in November.

Little by little I’m getting through my own grieving process. I can’t even explain the process or the emotion involved, there just aren’t words. It’s opened my eyes to many many things and many many lessons I’ve experienced and learnt along the way. Thankfully though, I now have more good days than bad days. Contrary to belief it doesn’t get any easier with time, you just learn to bare the undesirable pain and live with it the best you can. Just recently I’ve got back into my scrapbooking and will be making a layout in memory of Mum & Dad. Once I’ve finished them I’m going to get them professionally framed and will hang them up on a wall in our home. That way I’ll have a visual reminder of them both and how I remember them in my heart and in my home forever.

Well that about does it for today’s post. I hope that you’re all happy and healthy because it’s the only way to live.

is the key to a long and happy life. Sometimes in life we have to make some tough decisions, we may not like them for whatever reasons and we may be worried about the indirect impact it my have but we have to be true to ourselves utmost and foremost first.

For me personally it was taking a good hard look at myself and my life and deciding what it was that I wanted out of my life. I did that recently and have started implementing changes that I’ll benefit from. Some were easy changes, some not so easy but all relevant to my plan to change my life and for the better. Now I know this is going to sound like I’m being tough of myself and I know what I’m entitled to grieve for how ever long it takes me but I’d got to the stage where I was sick to death of myself and my grieving for that matter. It’s exhausting, I never realised how much so and how it impacts your daily life and even those around you. Now I don’t care if it made others feel uncomfortable, that was thier problem. I had enough of my own thank you very much. But enough was enough and so I stepped out from under my dark cloud and into the sunshine. This is my life and I’ll decide how I will and won’t live it, not circumstances, but me!

So I’ve made some changes both personally and professionally towards achieving my original goal. That way, I can be the person I want to be and do the things I want to do without anymore excuses. I’m going to be slowing down to a nice and steady pace for the duration of this year and then re-evaluate where I’m at and set myself new goals for the new year.

On Friday I received the shock of my life with some health news I wasn’t expecting. It’s nothing to be concerned about, but I still had to make a decision that didn’t necessarily come easy to me. Daniel says that the right decisions are sometimes the hardest decisions to make and he’s right, so very very right. Just like last year with Mum. I had to make two very big decisions that I’ve not talked about here and nor will I that shook me to my core. They were decisions I never thought in a million years I would have to make or that I ever had the right to make. I know they were for the right reasons but that didn’t make them any easier to make at the time. So my recent decision is going to involve a simple day procedure and will slow my health and fitness goals down a little but that’s life. I’m just going to roll with the punches and make the best of my current circumstances.

Life is so tricky some times, more so than others. But that’s what makes us who we are I guess. The good, the bad, the ugly, they’re all life experiences we need to experience to break us down and build us up so that we can be all that we were intended to be. Charles Jones quoted this and it’s one of my all time favourite quotes. It’s even on my inspirational wall of which I have almost finished. Once it’s done I’ll photograph it and post it up for all to see what mine looks like.

That’s it for today. I found out during the week that I have a month to finish my Cert IV in Fitness (Personal Training). So on that note I better get going and hit the books.

This time last year for the first time in his entire life , Dad forgot my birthday. He was killed three weeks later. This is the memory that haunts me today, my first parentless birthday.

Grieving is such a personal thing, it’s one that can’t be compared to anything else other than the death of a loved one in your life. To even consider comparison would be an insult of the worst kind. It’s also a very dark time and you often find yourself with thoughts that you wouldn’t normally be having. Like wanting to die to be closer to your loved one. I’ve wanted to die just to be closer to my Mum & Dad. Being separated, permanently separated is unbearable some days.

Even now, my heart and soul feels unrepairable. It feels like they’ve shattered into a trillion different pieces never to be found again let alone put back together. The pain and depth it goes too is excruciating and it doesn’t get any easier contrary to what everyone says. You learn to live with it but the pain never ever goes away. It’s always there under the surface, just suppressed long enough to get through another miserable day without them in it. Not a second, nor minute, nor hour nor day goes by that I don’t think of them. It’s exhausting going through the various emotions every day and most of the time you don’t see them coming until they catch you by surprise. Emotions are tricky things.

I try to manage and try to cope but some days it’s just impossible. The array of emotions is often over whelming, so much so it feels like I’m drowning in sadness. I am so angry, so angry at them for leaving me here to deal with this without them. And no matter what anyone says or does, I feel all alone. At this point in time I just feel like dropping of the face of this earth and withdrawing into myself even further than what I already have until I’m ready to come out again.

I don’t want sympathy or even empathy as nothing anyone ever says helps me out of this dark dark place I sometimes find myself. I don’t even know what it is that I want or what I’m even looking for. I’m confused, I’m scared, I’m lost, I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m tired. I’ll all of that and more, so very much more. Life is what it is and I have to figure it out for myself. So in doing so I’m taking a break from blogging. Maybe for two days, two weeks, two months I honestly don’t know. I need to be completely and utterly selfish and just focus on the basics of living at the moment and hopefully my extended online family and friends you will all understand and respect that.

Updated 15th June 2009 @ 2149h: After a great deal of consideration I’ve decided that I’ll be taking the rest of this year off from blogging. I’m lost….  I’m stumbling around life not knowing what to do with myself and until I do I’m withdrawing from the world as I know it. I will be back, just don’t know when.