On Anzac Day I bumped into a former student of mine who I quickly discovered had also unexpectedly lost her Dad too. This caught me by surprise and instantly I felt her pain.
The discussion we had has since prompted me to write about my ongoing experience with grieving. The one thing I know for sure is that it never ends, it never goes away. I mean, think about it for a second. You exist because of your parents and everything reminds you of them every second of every hour of every day. Or so I found out after they’d died. So when they’re no longer there there’s no way of ever escaping that. No way in hell. Because hell is where you’ve been sent emotionally and that’s putting it mildly.
Just like everything else in life, no two experiences are the same so I can only speak for myself and about my own personal experience with grief. To be brutally honest, it was the most horrific experience I’ve ever had to endure in my life. There just aren’t words. And although I know the reality of it all, I still to this day can’t believe that both my parents are dead. It’s so surreal. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve accepted their deaths but I’ll never get over them, not by a long shot. Losing both my parents three months apart was not only unexpected but also shocking. Like I said before, it never goes away. It stays with you forever.
One thing we did discuss about our own experiences was surviving it. Easy you may think, but not so easy for me who went through it and goes through it every single day. Surviving that kind of personal tragedy isn’t easy to survive. Every day I woke up and felt that instant pain that although was psychological felt physical to me. Like a gaping open wound in your chest, so new, so raw, so painful. It was a real struggle, a real struggle to deal with. I know for me, I wanted to die. To be with them. The thought of living without them was just to much for me to bare. Was I wrong to think this, feel this? I don’t think so. What I was feeling was the rawest of emotion and nothing and no-one had prepared me for this. I was all alone without my parents guidance and help, feeling helpless myself. I was lost in my own world.
Anyone who’s lost a parent or will lose one will understand that this is a unique loss. Parents were the first to hold us when we were born, the first to love us, and the first people we loved. When that is gone, it’s like you have nothing left in your life anymore. Nothing worth living for. My love for both my parents was endless. They meant more to me than either of them ever realised. Probably more than I ever realised. But every thing’s easier in retrospect isn’t it. It’s true you know what they say, that you don’t appreciate what you’ve got until you haven’t got it. Everything in retrospect
I had two paths in front of me and I had to decide which one to take. At that time I couldn’t make that decision or so it seemed, but as it’s turned out I chose to live. I don’t know how I survived or how I found the strength to go through what I went through. I think I was in shock for most of it or numbing the pain with alcohol.
Although much time has passed since their deaths, I still grieve for them every day in my own way. How could I not, they were my parents. I get choked up or end up crying over the littlest things to do with them. Time doesn’t heal all wounds and it doesn’t get easier. They’re just things that people say at a difficult time in your life to make themselves feel better. It’s not right or wrong, it’s just what it is I guess. The reality of the situation is that we all experience things differently. Yes I was hurt, angry, bitter, hateful. It was how I felt and I make no apologies for that, to anyone. I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be. I’m just me, trying to figure me out and hoping to come out of this life relatively unscathed, that’s all.
I think this will do for today. I’ll write some more about this another time.
When it comes to my health and fitness there’s not much I wouldn’t try or do for it, within reason of course. But I’m not afraid of trying different things with the possibility of gaining something out of it. Nothing ventured nothing gained. So next month I’ll be seeing a specialist who’s going to help me with my hormones in Brisbane.
First of all you’re reading this blog post in retrospect because I’m back in the car on the road headed for home. The MacBook’s sitting on my lap and once again I’ve found myself using this time where I would normally be doing nothing, typing this blog post. I’ve found that by doing this that the time passes by so much quicker and before I know it I’ll be back home. So onto my update.
This week we’ve had to change our regular training days due to being interstate. The term “flexibility is the key” comes to mind because it’s true. You have to be. Circumstances change every day which can turn your daily routine upside down. It’s not what changes that matters, it’s how you handle that change that matters.
