Grieving is such a personal thing, it’s one that can’t be compared to anything else other than the death of a loved one in your life. To even consider comparison would be an insult of the worst kind. It’s also a very dark time and you often find yourself with thoughts that you wouldn’t normally be having. Like wanting to die to be closer to your loved one. I’ve wanted to die just to be closer to my Mum & Dad. Being separated, permanently separated is unbearable some days.
Even now, my heart and soul feels unrepairable. It feels like they’ve shattered into a trillion different pieces never to be found again let alone put back together. The pain and depth it goes too is excruciating and it doesn’t get any easier contrary to what everyone says. You learn to live with it but the pain never ever goes away. It’s always there under the surface, just suppressed long enough to get through another miserable day without them in it. Not a second, nor minute, nor hour nor day goes by that I don’t think of them. It’s exhausting going through the various emotions every day and most of the time you don’t see them coming until they catch you by surprise. Emotions are tricky things.
I try to manage and try to cope but some days it’s just impossible. The array of emotions is often over whelming, so much so it feels like I’m drowning in sadness. I am so angry, so angry at them for leaving me here to deal with this without them. And no matter what anyone says or does, I feel all alone. At this point in time I just feel like dropping of the face of this earth and withdrawing into myself even further than what I already have until I’m ready to come out again.
I don’t want sympathy or even empathy as nothing anyone ever says helps me out of this dark dark place I sometimes find myself. I don’t even know what it is that I want or what I’m even looking for. I’m confused, I’m scared, I’m lost, I’m hurt, I’m angry, I’m tired. I’ll all of that and more, so very much more. Life is what it is and I have to figure it out for myself. So in doing so I’m taking a break from blogging. Maybe for two days, two weeks, two months I honestly don’t know. I need to be completely and utterly selfish and just focus on the basics of living at the moment and hopefully my extended online family and friends you will all understand and respect that.
Updated 15th June 2009 @ 2149h: After a great deal of consideration I’ve decided that I’ll be taking the rest of this year off from blogging. I’m lost…. I’m stumbling around life not knowing what to do with myself and until I do I’m withdrawing from the world as I know it. I will be back, just don’t know when.
