October 2008

Sunday 26th October 2008

Well last night would have to go down as one of the worst night’s sleep of my life. I went to bed early thinking this would be a good start only to get woken by a phone call at 2230h. *arghhh* Of course after I got off the phone I couldn’t get back to sleep so I tossed and turned for the rest of the night instead. That and it was a rather warm night, ideally the body’s core temperature should be cooler to get a good night’s sleep. Next time I’ll try taking a cool shower right before going to bed and I’ll see if that helps anyway. What have I got to lose. I’m also going to have to pick up some more lavender oil for my oil burner, this will also help me relax and at this point I’m willing to do almost anything to get a good nights sleep.

Monday 27th October 2008

12.00pm: I’ve just finished eating my home cooked meal of moroccan meatballs, spicy couscous with steamed carrot, snow peas and zucchini. It’s probably the first healthy meal with vegetables I’ve eaten in a long time. The meal was delicious and if I were to add a little tomato chutney to it it would be perfect. Actually I think I’ll buy some for it this evening, what a great idea. I ‘d forgotten how satisfying eating a healthy meal really was, how quickly we forget.Then this afternoon when I get home from work I’m going to clean out my fridge, freezer and pantry of food that isn’t in my health’s best interest to ensure I give myself the best possible chance. Then it’s a case of stocking them with the healthiest of options for snacks and meals when I do my grocery shopping at the end of the week. Simply by taking these small steps I’m moving in the right direction to a fitter, healthier and happier life. This is what I desire first and anything beyond this is an added bonus.

Tuesday 28th October 2008

Well last night’s sleep wasn’t great but it was better. Firstly I ensured I was logged off by 2100h, no computer no television just peace and quiet. Oh the serenity of it all. LOL!! I just had to add that little bit in there, if you’ve even seen the movie the castle you’ll know exactly what I am talking about. Anyway getting back to my story, earlier in the day I’d bought lavender oil for my oil burned so that was another tick in the box of things to do to help me sleep. Then I took my neuro-calm before having my evening shower. All the while the kettle was boiling for a cup of chamomile tea once I’d finished in the bathroom. I was on schedule and everything was falling into place, I was even in bed at 2130h. 2200hrs it was lights out for the night and although I struggled at first to get to sleep eventually I managed to. I’m still a long way off getting a good night’s sleep but this routine worked for me and it’s so much better for me. 20 days to go before this becomes a new habit. If I persevere I will get there, eventually. LOL!! I’ve also got those vertical blinds which unfortunately don’t stop the bright street light right out the front of our house so this weekend it’s a must to by myself a set of curtains that have black out on the back of them to help keep the heat and light out of our room. You certainly can’t say I’m not trying almost everything to ensure I get myself a good nights sleep. Worse comes to worse I still have a couple of other options up my sleeve for plan b. LOL!!

What else. I had my post-operative appointment today, my surgeon’s happy with my recovery so I’ve been given the all clear to start training again. He said he shouldn’t see me again and I know I’m more than happy with that arrangement. Daniel’s going to write me up a new program today incorporating all the body weight and resistance band exercises I need to do to get my started. Obviously after two surgeries I’ll be taking things very slow and steady because what I have to remember is that even though I don’t feel pain there’s still internal inflammation so I have to give myself adequate time to heal and recover from training.

So it’s now been two nights without alcohol, so far so good. Like anything, I’m not reverting back to the all or nothing continuum. No point, I already know it doesn’t work. But like everything it does need to be in moderation and there does need to be some level of control to it. So I’m thinking I’ll only have drinks on friday and saturday nights if I so desire and in moderation by tracking how many drinks I actually have then stopping an hour before going to bed. After all, I don’t want to completely undo all my hard work creating new sleeping habits.

I have to say, having shorter hair has been quicker and easier to manage this week. Although I’m still getting used to it I still haven’t decided if it was the right thing to do or not, either way it’s only hair and it’ll grow back albeit slowly. The things we do.

Well on that note, I’m out of here. Talk soon. )

72.1kg! *agrhhhhhhhhhh*

No wonder I don’t have ANYTHING in my wardrobe that fits me, I’ve NEVER been this big before. Did I seriously think that the solution to all of my problems was at the bottom of a kahlua bottle or that if I took enough sleeping pills that I would wake up and this nightmare would be over. Reality check my friend…. I’m fat, I’m unfit and my self-esteem is at an all time low because I CHOSE this path. How’s that for accepting responsibility and slapping myself in the face so to speak. Yep me myself and I have had an interesting day as you could well imagine.

I was SO ANGRY at myself I finally did something about it. This time I had a witness, my husband. I poured what was left of my kahlua down the sink followed by my sleeping pills. I had to do something right then and there otherwise I would continue to give myself permission to drown my sorrows every night and drug myself to sleep. Who am I kidding, I barely slept and that was my fault as well. Kahlua’s main ingredient was caffeine and I was drinking right up until I was going to bed at night, stimulation city here I come. Talk about living in the land of denial, I think I can tick that box off don’t you.

Well tonight will be my first night without alcohol and sleeping tablets. I’m going to try and do this a-la-natural with some help from Neuro-Calm. It’s a herbal blend for the management of stress, nervous tension and mild anxiety. Tick, tick and tick, yep this sounds like the one for me. Lift, Health & Sport recommended I try this supplement to help decrease my cortisol levels and help with sleep so we’ll see how it goes over the next month. 21 days is how long it takes to create a new habit so here I go.

I’m also going to have to go shopping and buy a few essential items to get me through until I start losing this weight. I am going to hate having to do this but I have to be comfortable on a day to day basis until I remedy this situation of mine.

Mum’s deteriorating at a rapid race and here I am stopping drinking. Most would drink more at a difficult time like this but here I am doing the exact opposite. I’ve always been someone who just had to be different to every body else. Now is as good as time as any I guess.

so I’ve changed over to a new skin care range. I’ve been getting some great results with my monthly facials so I’m half way through changing over to La Prairie. These products are decedent to say the least and my facial skin has never looked and felt so great. I have half the products already and the rest are on their way in the mail, don’t you just love online shopping.

Then once a month I go to the Park Club Health & Day Spa for a 90 Minute Gold Facial. I usually fall asleep half way through this it’s just so relaxing. I’d also like to try out oxygen facials. I’ve heard about them and that they’re supposed to be really great for your skin but have yet to get around and try it out for myself. Maybe if you’ve had one you could tell me all about it

On another note I’ve had all my hair cut off, so now it’s short and curly. Yesterday was my regular treatment and trim appointment but I’d gotten so sick of waiting to cut the old colour out that I just went for it and now it’s short. Nothing like being impulsive. Now I’m back to 100% natural colour and curl and so the growing of it long begins again. The things I do. LOL!!

I better not sit here to long typing this blog because I’m supposed to be in the kitchen helping Daniel. Daniel kindly did the grocery shopping for me yesterday so that we could prepare our food for the week ahead in hope to eat a little more regularly and healthily than we have been. We’re trying to keep things simple considering how little time we have to actually prepare and cook. Here’s what I’ll be eating for the week:

Breakfast: Banana & Blueberry Porridge
Post-Training: Protein Shake
Lunch: Moroccan Meatballs, Spicy Couscous & Steamed Carrot, Snow Peas & Zucchini
Afternoon Tea: Protein Shake & Pear
Dinner: Prawn Salad with Vietnamese Dressing

Tomorrow’s my post-operative appointment, I can’t wait to see what he says. Just this last week my shoulder has been feeling so much better, so here’s hoping he gives me the big green light. Then I’ll commence my hydrotherapy sessions followed by the gym starting with body weight. It may be the end of the year before I can use any type of weight other than baby weights. I have to take things slowly otherwise I risk further aggravating it. Been there, done that and it’s not very much fun let me tell you.

There’s obviously a whole other bunch of stuff going on in the background but it’s just getting to difficult to blog about it. In all honesty I’m sick to death talking about it and it’s doing my head in. My emotions are all over the place and I’m losing patience with family and friends very fast these days. I know every one’s worried about me, and yes I know I am run down. But put yourself in my shoes, what would you do? If you have a better suggestion then I’m all ears. I’m doing the best I can given my current circumstances so please just let me be. There is no right or wrong way here, I’m just doing what I have to do. Nothing more. Nothing less.

I’ve been wondering whether or not to continue blogging as more often than not when I re-read my post at a later date it’s either totally depressing or angry and these are neither emotions I wanted to see regularly on here. What do you think?

Have a good week! xxx